|Tuesday, September 28th, 2004|
8:37 pm - Running Rants
I ran ten miles on Saturday afternoon at George Pierce Park- I have never run that long straight through before- I was rather excited, and I could have gone longer|
But it was probally dumb, because my foot is hurt, and it was in such pain the whole time- Coach woul not let me run yesterday or today- I missed the meet today. I just want my foot to be better. I better do well on Saturday- I'm going to PR, I have to.
I have decided that when I no longer run cross country or races, I am going to run slow distance all the time- I love it
When I'm practicing or going on a leisure run, running is relaxing and energizing. It's an alone time to think, to relax, to explore.
But when I race, it's intense. It's about pushing through pain and exaustion. It's about running hard when your body tells you to give up. Because for every part of my body that tells me to collapse and break, twice as much of my mind tells me to push through and run harder. Most of running is mental.
Mental is the part that takes over when you kow you are 200 yards from the finnish line and you begin to sprint with energy that comes from pure adrenaline. Mental is the part that keeps your muscles moving and your feet lifting up steep hills and through trails when you thught you had no more energy. Mental is the crowd chering for you, and mental is you knowing that you can't disappoint yourself or them.
Mental is the focus that keeps you running hard and passing the runners in front of you, the focus that will not allow your mind to think of anything but the race and where your feet will fall next.
I went to dark club today- hell ya
And it's begining to smell a lot like fall- I love it.
current mood: relaxed
|Monday, September 20th, 2004|
9:20 pm - Running into you
Friday night ate at Carabas with Jennifer, Natalie, Leanna, and Heather before County meet. Yummy. We are fat asses. But we had fun and were loud and obnoxious- I'm surprised they didn't kick us out.
Saturday- County Meet- We got second!! To Collins Hill- of course, but we almost beat them. Most of our girls got in the top twenty- 11 of us I think. I got 19- decent. Weslyn is a pretty fun course- I don't see why everyone said it was so bad. The only bad part was the terperature(it was almost two in the freaking afternoon) and the few mushy parts from the hurricane.) It was awesome though. I love cross country. I am determined to get a good time at Alexander- it's a fast course. I'm going to train my butt off for the next two weeks. Tomorrow we're running at Weslyn again- with the people racing, as a workout. And I have renounced junkfood. I made a deal with myself- I can eat as much as I want as long as it's healthy. Hopefully it shall last. I am going to be a good runner, and I will kick ass. Mental.
Milo and I got all dressed up and fancy on Saturday night and went to the mall, and went in Banana Rep. and Armani and looked like snobs. Then we saw Garden State. Good movie with not so much of a point. The settings and camera angles were great.
Racing makes me all emotional for some reason. Like before and after I just want to cry, and sometimes I do- and that helps. I guess it releives stress and nervousness. And I actually went up to my father and hugged him before county. I never voluntarily do that. But I need a hug then, and praying. Weird. Im an emotional, hugging, praying person before the race.
Last night I realized how much I miss certain people and how if I saw them right now, I would run up to them and hug them. And I was surprised. What the hell is happening to me?
Life is slowing down, picking up, pacing. Breathing.
current mood: happy
|Monday, September 13th, 2004|
10:33 pm - Kittens are cute- babies are not
|Sunday, September 12th, 2004|
10:19 am - fortune teller greeen
Holy Crap! My mommy got me the best surprise ever! She brought it to work and showed me- pictures to come tomorrow. |
Last weekend= awesome. I went up to the mountains with Boy, Jennifer, Leanna, and Heather. Some guys in a red mustang put their cell phone number up to the window and we called it. They were wrestlers from Florida going to some wrestling competition type thing, and we followed them off the exit to some creepy barn and talked to them for a while. Then we left and said we might come back and watch the show later, but we didn't. We had an awesome time anyway. We went out for pizza and saw Cinderella Story at the drive in movie, which was a pretty cute movie. Then we came back and spent about an hour trying to start a fire to make smores. We had a tiny flame that barely sufficed. So we made smores with the cabin door opened, allowing the killer bees inside. And... of course the trampoline. God, I love it. Took closeline pictures, explored the dam, got lost whil running in the hotness. Simple happiness.
Carolton Invitational Saturday morning- MY TEAM WON THIRD AND GOT A BIG TROPHY! take that
went up there Friday night with ten of the girls, and we ate Italian and watched Cellular(darn unnerving movie)
I felt a lot better during the race this time- not as nauseated/about to pass out
and I did not pee my pants- though I saw a girl from another team who did and I told her she was awesome
My time= worse, and that upset me, but it was a hilly, more difficult corse, and everyone's time was worse. I suck at hills.
I saw that clock at the end and how bad it was and began sprinting, and some girl bearly passed me at finish, they had to call it- damn her. I almost cried when I was done.
I got awesome new running shews yesterday- County meet next week. Yeah.
Let us hold hands and pray- pray? since when?
Hug me and let me cry- I'm nervous as hell. Hug me? Since when?
current mood: cheerful
|Thursday, September 2nd, 2004|
10:49 pm - Warm-up
I greatly enjoy life. |
I maintain my status as president of the philosophy club.
Three day weekend beginning tomorrow- camping- sleep- fun.
It's my best kept secret. What would you say if you knew that I feared it, heated everything about it? And that is why I can never tell you exactly what it is.
I got in my first fight ever with my best friend on Saturday night.
Fight being me- calm. Her- freaking out. But I love her even more now, I
didn't think everyone was right about that. I honestly love two people
in this world and only two. Take a guess. They know who they are.
Can you love an illusion?
My biggest fear is burning out. I can't just keep going; I have to keep
going with everything and loving it all the way.
Good thing I learned to breathe yesterday- I definatly did need it multiple times today. I need to become more arrogant so I don't end up being a failure at life.
I can't think about things- I'll puke or hyperventillate. I can't see how horribly I'm doing- I have to procrastinate.
The weekend will be good for me. Today was good- but I need more of a rest.
|Wednesday, August 25th, 2004|
10:35 pm - Count the headlights on the highway
"So what would you think of me now? So lucky, so strong, and so proud. I never said thank you for that- I thought I might get one more chance."|
I keep thinking about the time I sat, relaxed and slouched in the passenger seat of your car, with the wind blowing in from the opened windows and Jimmy Eat World blaring from the stereo- are you listening?
Walking around downtown in the afternoon- aimless. And the rain and the people dancing to their soundtrack of life.
Running along the trail in the woods on a warm Sunday afternoon, alone at the park, but pretending I'm in some foreign jungle where anything adventerous could happen. Seeing people at picnic tables, happy and smiling- and I smile back genuinly.
I keep smiling because I enjoy life(again) and I love living it everyday. It makes me feel awake when I'm really half-asleep.
I feel like I'm floating when I bounce down the hallways confidently, a smile of amusement on my face. I feel like me again, most of the time.
I run around in the rain with more energy than I thought I could summon at the end of the day.
I smile because I can still live in those moments when I knew life- moments from a month ago, when I was more carefree- that can still retain some sense of freedom.
Even seeing the beauty of the headlights in the darkness of dreadfully early morning. Dozens of lights in a line in my rearview mirror. And the fresh morning air right before the sun rises that I am awake enough to still appreciate.
*The fireworks are over, but the scattered remainders are just as beautiful in their own way.
"But if the world could remain within a frame like a painting on a wall. Then I think we'd see the beauty and stand staring in awe- at our still lifes pose- like a bowl of oranges."
current mood: relaxed
|Saturday, August 21st, 2004|
5:03 pm - Anatole, push me- to Anatole- carry me- I cannot make it
*String from your teather unwinds*|
So, I had my first race this morning
I really should have done better- but I made it
I peed my pants- like after the first mile
How awesome is that?
I got 23:42- the girls I should have been with got 22:30-35
But next time I shall do better
Next time I will not eat all that cereal for breakfast
Hey, you learn
More humorous failure: I got a 26 on my chapter 1 test in AP Euro- humour me
I need more time- yet again, but I am going to learn how to manage it better
I've been to tired- I haven't felt enough like myself lately
I'm still the same one who thought life was so exciting and loved every minute of it- I'm going to appreciate it again- enthused must I become
I want to be passionate... about_
You told me we had
three hours to go
as you sqeuuzed by hand
letting me feel half the pain
and you're afraid
because the look I give you is satisfaction
fonfidence in my lack-there-of
a bitter smile
to let you know
you missed me and hit yourself
*What a dizzy dance- the sweetness wll not be concerned with me*
current mood: thirsty
|Friday, August 13th, 2004|
12:55 pm - I had taken breathing for granted
I have been meaning to update this for about a week now...|
I have had no time to beathe- no freedom from stress
Summer is over, and I want my life back
First week of school- and like this already? What am I getting myself into this year?
But, today I am getting caught up. I stayed home and slept and finished my Lit stuff, and it is incredibly nice. Then I have to go turn it in today, go to practice, and rush to work- work all weekend. I must enjoy my peace while I still can.
I think my body and my mussels are feeling a little better now that I have some sleep and my mind is more stable. Running was hell yesterday- it better not be today
School is actually good despite its stresses. I like my classes- I just wish I had more time.
Time is my worst enemy.
And I havn't even had time to vent my horrors into this lovely journal.
I almost died last night- rest was necessary.
And breathing- breathing is nice. So is sleeping.
Could you let me go back there again? The ocean- and walking as slowly as the time moved. And the fields and the freedom and the way that made me feel. And the boat, and the water, and the wind- and watching the sunset every relaxing evening, wishing I could stay. Does the sun still set anymore? I'm sure it rises far too soon after.
I was never too bored or too busy- time was balaced enough to let me do what I wanted to and what I need to do. Oh, summer- I miss it so much now- I had forgotten how great that was. It doesn't even matter how I had to wake up and run and do some summer reading. It was fun and relaxed, and it was mine.
current mood: relaxed
|Thursday, August 5th, 2004|
9:45 pm - Watch it be better than you think- would you be too disappointed?
You told me I should write |
with more clairvoyance
I told you- speak your mind
but everything you say
comes out with disguised clarity
why can't you be more simple?
My words echo yours
your statements are too
clear cut for comprehension
mine too tangled for order
why can't you see the
wisdom and beauty of nonsense
Your level cannot make sense
why are you so arrogant
of your inequities?
And why am I so fond of them?
I guess I should not have laughed so hard at your misery
School pisses me off already. My mom actually gets points for yelling at the principal. My life is being dictated by incompetant morons- I should get used to that. And I'm in major crunch time to finish everything- I will do it. I have to work all weekend.
But life is good and I will enjoy the rest of my summer.
current mood: calm
|Saturday, July 31st, 2004|
3:51 pm - Remember when we climbed halfway up and I was terrified of falling?
It's one of those afternoons|
when I want to remember
what it felt like
I'm lyiing in the back of a boat
pulled by a pick-up truck
down a windey gravel backroad
staring at the sun
flickering through green leaves
from the clear sky
All I hear is the sound of the
wheels on pieces of rock
And it smells like suntan lotion
It's one of those summers
I remember from a film
or my childhood
that I still want as mine
i'm back from Myrtle Beach now and not leaving to go anywhere again this summer. I'll have to see some of you people sometime- I know this delights you.
current mood: cheerful
|Wednesday, July 21st, 2004|
4:37 pm - There are many things that i would like to say to you, but i don't know how.
I always told you-this time would be different. But now- it is.|
Every time I look at the clock it's 11:11
And I'm only brave enough to close my eyes to wish
for a quarter of a second
and it's your 10:11
The red gaslight is blinking steadily
and it has been all night
Five more miles to the lake
where we can jump and forget it all
Like those summer afternoons
of speeding through the field
and feeling invincible and free
Remember that abandon shed
we discovered in the woods
and called it ours
as though it never did belong to anyone else
and neither did anything else in the world
Give me all you've got- so then I know when I beat you, I have defeated the best
PS- If dorky reads this, I miss you.
current mood: amused
|Sunday, July 11th, 2004|
9:17 pm - When the world hates you for being happy
I'm breathing in gasps|
choaking out my words
that ruien the moment
and the man beside me
loks like he hates me
I know the lookI give him
to give me that one last
something to keep me moving
and not willingly fall into the road
But I wrote my confessions
on white slips of paper
so I could throw them
into the trash
voiced to no one else
Because I'll only pause
for an inperceptable moment
while I pretend to clean
and really stare at
the settig sun
...And you can't whipe that dumb grin off your face
current mood: giddy
|Tuesday, June 29th, 2004|
9:57 pm - This is the story of your red right ankle
It's not the fact of the unattainable, but of the nonexistant. I would rather it be right in front of my face and I having to work much harder to deserve it than I not see it at all. Just seeing it and the fact of it's existance would make me keep going and give me something to work for. The absence- something worse than hopelessness. I know exactly how she felt when she stared out her appartment window at the city loving something she would never find. And so it becomes. I want to destroy everything for existing when he dosen't. I hate it all for not being him. This is my justice. I want to craw under a table and hide until my mind has figured everything out. I want to sit against a brick post all day and watch people and newspapers blwoing in the wind and not be responsible to the and not care that they look at my eyes and my stillness and feel completly uncomfortable, but to contine staring past all of the and evrything they see into something so much clearer than anything I can perceive right now and so much better than they could wish. And I don't have to sit and smile anymore to pretend I'm normal and prove that I'm alright. I don't have to sit and keep my composure when all I want to do is smack them in the face for being irrelivant. |
And I can smack them.
The people who are more or less objects of my amusement that I can choose to pick up and have fun with or leave on the shelf to stare at or walk away. They are more of ants I look at from a distance, not being one of them- a good feeling.
Reason- you lack it- you are inhuman.
And I'm not in a bad mood- not at all. I'm far too indolent lately.
...For we are bound by symmetry
|Sunday, June 27th, 2004|
10:23 pm - My shampoo smells like colorado
that seafoam green house|
remains the same distance away
no matter how hard you
run, how far
everything seems closer on the beach
(and the closer you are the further it goes)
-but shell keep chasing it anyway
the icon of our summers
with the wooden pier
and lied in the sun all afternoon
until we turned red
and walked home into
the orange sky
the snapshot is getting blurry- but I remember clearly every time I smell that scent
Side: Juan that does to-go orders at work seriously does look like Shreck
|Sunday, June 20th, 2004|
10:23 pm - Concerto of dileverance- Richard Haley
I want to pour out my mind|
onto a leaf of paper
as you have poured out
your heart on my plate
so you could see what
makes me sane- or reverse
and like or despise me
at your cost- validly
but lately I've been
enought to fill a novel
but far too little to write
so I can't describe to you
why I shoved it away
put in a box and left
and you've given me nothing
-nothing to go on
to allow me to see why
you do it so well
all I will know
is that it's endlessly beautiful
-that broken validity
that I cannot express
I can't stand music with words much lately. I have realized that music without words communicates much more than music with words, and it is generally much better. Words can sustain themselves, just as music can. Amazing how music masks the meaning of words- the same claims we hear ridiculously uttered without melody and laugh at, we find ourselves mindless humming along with as the meaning is somehow lost in the sound waves traveling from the speker to out ear. As long as you have some additional noise droning in the background, you are free to say any idiotic, sappy, untrue phrase that deserves to be mocked for the garbage it is(kind of like my journal, right Mr. Disaster), but rather is rewarded and praised.
-Thanks Pop music!
|Saturday, June 19th, 2004|
1:28 am - Twinkle, Twinkle little star- how I wonder what you are
I feel that I'm completly moronic and ignorant about the simple basic things that I should know. I mean the stars... everyone should know how exactly stars are formed and that they are made of Hydrogen gas and that the reason they shine is because two Hydrogen atoms make a helium atom and the reaction causes the star to shine. But really- how the heck do we know all that? Do we actually go up to the stars and take samples of the and sit and watch stars form from our great distances? Is there really any way to know all these things? Are they just as much of an illusive mystery as the formation of the universe? And why the hell is the ocean salty anyway? Will someone please tell me that? I feel like a stupid five year old who has just been released into the world and is looking at everything in complete awe, tugging at my parents' shirt sleeves asking "Look mommy! What is that?" And not knowing much of anything at all, ornot anything important. Maybe I'm the five year old who could hold a discussion with a professor about quantum physics and Calculus and Kierkegaard, but has no idea how to add or what a circle is. A lot of use I shall be. I can explain how I think the universe was formed and such, but when it comes to animals) and humans and such, I'm somewhat stumped. The human body and mind(for most peopleis so complex that it's difficult to think that they just appeared on earth out of chemicals and particals. Enough of my stupidity for now.|
Seriously, what is the ocean salty? Tell me anyway even though when you do, I'll fell like more of a moron-thanks. Can't wait for your kind comments Mr. Disaster
current mood: curious
|Friday, June 18th, 2004|
8:02 pm - This is you being harsh
I love to have the freedom|
of lieing in my
soft warm bed
while outside my window
raindrops rhythmically lull
me to sleep
as a prelude to
the rumbling thunder
that contrasts my calm
and leaves a trace of
on my face
as my eyelids slide
and this is me
Everyday I wake up to see your face- and all I want to do is go back to sleep
|Monday, June 14th, 2004|
10:01 pm - Who is John Gault?
I have fallen into the brainwashing cult known as Objectivism created by the most brilliant woman(not a contradiction in this case) ever in existance. I am in love with Dagny Taggart, with John Gault, but mainly, with Ayn Rand, who put them into existance. The only thing I hold against her is that she died and I can never meet her, but the fact that I am in love with her mind is enough for now. I'm radiant with the discoveries, yet plauged by the knowledge that I can not attain the perfect world that I am shown. I am like Dagny in the fact that we both were brought there, as scabs or in seeking(though really what is the difference?), to see the full brilliant picture of not what could be, or even what ought to be, but what is. But unlike I, she has the freedom to take it, she lives in it, and that is what I love about her. I thought I saw her passing me on the street the other day. Her perfection is made stronger by the fact that I have no precise immage of her, only a burry incertainty in my mind like that of a dream. She's the kind of woman- or the only one- who would look completly natural and perfect in the clothing on the store manicans, not just because of her slender, elegant bosy, but the fact that, in her confidence, she is distinctly unaware of it while at the same time fully concious that you are watching her every move and of what it means to you. Clothing on her is more of a superfluous material in which the matter of its existance is irrelivant. I find that the clearest immage I can form of her is a pefected one of me- or that which I could be. |
"You looked like a symbol of luxury and you belonged in the place that was ts source...you seemed to bring the enjoyment of life back to its rightful owners... you had a look of energy and its reward, together... and I was the first man who ever stated in what manner these two were inseperable."
*You have no idea what I am speaking of- goodnight.
current mood: impressed
|Saturday, June 5th, 2004|
11:36 pm - The Adventures of Helga and Olga
|Thursday, May 27th, 2004|
1:27 am - A summer photo session